Lost Dream
by chichirichick
Summary: Shinji is alone. His wish comes true and he's brough back to a time before everyone was gone. He's gotten his second chance, but he needs to grow a backbone in order to tell Rei how he feels.
1. Default Chapter

He watched her as she walked down the street. Her feet glided across the cement, her body seemed as light as air. She was walking towards him, no smile or look of recognition on her face. Yet, he knew her oh so very well. He wanted to run up and hold her, to smell what her hair smelt like, to taste her lips against his... He could feel himself blush at the thought. He'd never do it though...he'd never even get to touch her now.  
  
Shinji awoke from the dream. "Another dream..." He sighed. The world now was so lonely. To him, he was the only person on earth, anywhere. He reached out into the nothingness. "I wish..." He looked up and saw a star. "I wish that things could go back, back to how they were." Shinji laid back down. All he could do with his days now where just sleep, and wish. Though he knew nothing would ever be the same.  
  
He drifted back. The same girl appeared, walking towards him. Suddenly the sky around them pitch black, the clouds a dark maroon color. "Sky, sky of red. Red, the color, the color I hate." He could hear her voice echoing everywhere. Shinji stared at the sky for a moment. "Shinji?" He glanced back, feeling the nausea rise in his stomach.  
  
"You're..." The girl stood there, a crimson puddle around her. The white wings that protruded from her back were ripped and torn, feathers drifting in the pool of blood around her feet. "What happened?" He reached for her, but suddenly pulled back his hand. The cool sticky liquid covered his hand. Shinji's screams echoed inside his head.  
  
"Shinji! Are you okay?"  
  
The boy shot up, a cold sweat covering his body. "What?"  
  
"You were screaming in your sleep again..." The woman touched his shoulder. A girl stood in the doorway, looking worried.  
  
"Misato?"  
  
"Yes, Shinji?"  
  
"Misato!" Shinji grabbed her and held her. The tears streamed down his face, yet he suddenly stopped. Was this another dream?  
  
"Shinji..." Misato laughed lightly. "You're acting as if you haven't seen me in forever."  
  
"Misato, is this a dream?" He stared at her through the darkness, feeling the fabric of her pajamas in his hands. Memorizing it in some hopes that, if this was a dream, he'd awake with that knowledge and be comforted.  
  
"Shinji, you're awake."  
  
"I don't...believe it."  
  
"Go back to sleep, Shinji." Misato looked confused at him. "It seems like you need it." She stood up and walked out of the room, taking one last look at him before closing the door.  
  
"They're alive..." He felt the tears running hot down his cheeks. He'd been alone for so long and now they were all the same, all back with him. But, was it really a dream? She had touched him, she had felt so real...it couldn't be a dream. "I'm home."  
  
--  
  
The girl walked down the street, everything in her body feeling as light as air, but her heart. All her wounds were healed, but the blood still dripped from the inside. She saw him walking down the street, knowing they were both going to the same place. She did not smile, made no look of recognition. Inside she screamed his name. But was it her who was really screaming? Was it her voice?  
  
He hadn't looked up. He followed the movement of his feet, looking as if he were experiencing it for the first time. She found it curious. She wanted to call out to him, but he raised his head instead. His eyes widened and he stopped dead in his tracks. What had happened, she wondered. She continued walking towards him.  
  
"Rei?"  
  
"Yes, Shinji?" Her voice was fairly monotone.  
  
"You're really here..."  
  
Rei stared at him blanking, blinking her eyes. He suddenly lunged at her, throwing his arms around her. "Rei!" He started to sob. Rei stood there, staring down at him in disbelief. Why was he touching her? Why did he hold her like this?  
  
"Shinji..." She stuttered.  
  
"I'm sorry." He stood away from her, clearing the tears from his eyes.  
  
"Why are you crying?" Even more confusion for her.  
  
"You were..." He stopped. She had no idea... "Forget it."  
  
"Shinji?"  
  
"Yes?" He looked at her. He couldn't seem to keep his eyes off her, and it almost made her uncomfortable.  
  
"Commander Katsuragi will be waiting for us after school." Rei stared at him for a moment and then turned and continued walking. She wondered what was going on with the boy.  
  
Shinji watched as Rei walked away. He sighed. She still looked the same. He wanted to call her back, but he'd see her again at NERV. Shinji went through his normal school day, trying to remind himself that they all had no idea that he had lived without them all for about a year. He wondered if he'd ever really wake up from this dream. He almost hoped not. 


	2. Chapter 2

"Will you stop staring at her!" Asuka screamed in Shinji's ear as they stood there.  
  
"Huh?" Shinji swiftly broke out of the daydream.  
  
Rei turned an looked at them both, saying nothing as usual. "It's almost like you're practically drooling over that doll." Asuka scoffed.  
  
"I wasn't..." Shinji sighed. He almost enjoyed hearing Asuka scream at him now.  
  
"Will you two lay off each other?" Misato said sternly to them both. Misato had been talking to them, some kind of lecture... Shinji couldn't remember. He hadn't been paying attention in the least. It wasn't as if all his attention was going to Rei... but all this attention was going to the fact that he was no longer trapped in that desolate world.  
  
"But if I don't stop it this time, will it just happen again?" He whispered to himself.  
  
"Hm?"  
  
Shinji took in his breath. Rei had been paying attention to him? "I didn't say anything."  
  
She looked at him blankly. He had said something. She didn't press it, it was probably none of her business anyway. Nothing that had to do with him was her business. "Shinji..."  
  
"Yes, Rei?"  
  
Her eyes opened wide in shock. Had she really said his name? She was thinking about him and then... she had said his name? She looked down at the table, her mouth shut.  
  
She had said his name! Why had she done that? Shinji wanted to know... but he wouldn't ask her now. But when then? As if he'd ever get the courage to even talk to her outside of NERV. He had the courage to grab her today, and hold her... he blushed deeply. He had actually touched her.  
  
"What are you so happy about?" Asuka's annoying voice rang through Shinji's thoughts again.  
  
"Can't you just leave me to my thoughts for five seconds?" Shinji retorted. Asuka swallowed, shocked that Shinji had actually even said anything. She quickly became indignant, brooding over the fact that he even opened his mouth. She would show him.  
  
"You guys are dismissed..." Misato sighed. She couldn't get anything done with them today. Especially Shinji. He... just wasn't all there today. And he was staring at things, dare she say staring at some one, like he had not seen them in a long time. She laughed lightly and shook her head. "I must just be going crazy today."  
  
Asuka was the first one up and out. Shinji lingered, staring back and forth, slowly, at Misato and Rei. Rei slowly stood and made her way for the door. "Shinji, will you go already?" Misato gave him a little smile. Shinji blinked at her for a moment and then stood up, following after Rei. 


	3. Chapter 3

He saw her standing there, the moonlight playing on the color of her uniform. The three of them had gone their after missions sometimes, looking over the buildings. She was now standing there alone.  
  
Suddenly the scene changed. That same surreal image came back... her wings, her bleeding wings. He reached out, grazing the feather tips. The blood smeared across his fingers and he suppressed the sick feeling that rose in his throat. It all suddenly disappeared, and Rei was the same again, but his hand... his hand was touching her back.  
  
She turned around slowly. "Shinji?"  
  
His hand dropped to his side. "I... uh..." His mouthed moved, but the words stuck in his throat. The vision of the blood and now the sensation of him just touching her had left him utterly speechless and confused on the inside. She stared at him, unmoving.  
  
She wondered why he wouldn't talk. "Shinji?" She questioned him again, hoping that it would allow something to start moving in his mind. It seemed to do no good.  
  
Shinji sighed. Why couldn't he say anything? She was obviously waiting for him to talk, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words, or any words for that matter. He forced his lips to move, forming the oddest word... "Blood." He looked down at his fingers. The illusion had disappeared but he could swear he could still feel the cold sticky liquid on his fingers.  
  
"What?" Rei was shocked at his only words to her, but kept that to herself. Why would he ever say that word... that word that she hated saying herself. She shuddered. Red.  
  
He watched her shudder and... he wanted to reach out and touch her again. Why was she shuddering anyway? Well, genius, the word you chose to say wasn't exactly the best choice in the book. He stood there, beating himself internally.  
  
She stared at him. She could see his lips moving slightly... he was talking to himself. I guess he enjoyed talking to himself more that with me... But it didn't matter. Rei turned back around and looked over the scenery. She couldn't... stare at him for long. Those thoughts... the thoughts she wasn't meant to have came back.  
  
He watched her turn around and sighed deeply. Why was he such a screw up? She probably thought he was crazy... everyone thinks he's crazy. He sighed again. What to do now? A silence drifted between them, and he stood there, staring at the back of her. By the time she walked away, he had practically memorized the wrinkles in her uniform.  
  
She started walking down the path. He opened his mouth, "Will I see you tomorrow?"  
  
Rei stopped in her tracks. Odd. "That's a strange question, Shinji." She replied quietly.  
  
"Rei, will I see you?"  
  
"No one ever does." She continued walking.  
  
--  
  
The Angel split in two. Rei could almost feel its pain... when she realized that the wounds she had received herself were just as bad. She could hear... hear someone in the background. He was shouting. "Rei! Come back! Rei!"  
  
"Gendo?" she whispered, the breath hallow in her lungs. "Shinji..."  
  
"Get her back in!" Misato shouted. She saw the whole thing on the monitor, and with the life signs coming from the Eva, it wasn't looking good for Rei. She sighed. Rei seemed to be the one who always got the worse of the beatings. She turned to look up at the glass tower. Gendo glared down, his facial expression never changing. Misato quickly looked away, still uncomfortable every time she looked at that man. She felt there was something more than he was saying.  
  
"Rei..." Shinji looked into the monitor, his heart splitting in two in his chest.  
  
The Eva was quickly brought back in, and Shinji rushed through the crowd, running for the plug. He gently pulled her body out, bringing it onto the floor. The paramedics had already been called... but they of course took their time. It was Rei. She didn't matter. Shinji could feel his one hand balling into a fist. He suppressed his anger.  
  
"Shinji..." Rei whispered gently, the pain writhing in her body.  
  
"Shhh... don't talk." Misato was right there, making sure that Shinji didn't move Rei more than he already had.  
  
"The blood..." Shinji felt the warm liquid flowing across his fingers. Rei closed her eyes. "No! Open your eyes! Open..." He stopped. The dream, the dream was back. The feathers drifted in the blood... He started to thrash around, pushing his hands into Rei's blood that was puddling on the floor. "Her wings... the feathers..." His eyes widened as he made futile attempts at clutching the feathers in his hands. "She's an angel..."  
  
Misato watched Shinji as he played in his delirium. "Shinji, stop! Stop that right now!" The disgust and pure sadness welled up inside of Misato. What... what was he doing? Shinji continued, his clothes now practically soaked in her blood. The paramedics came down, pulling Rei away from Shinji. He screamed, still attempting to grab the feathers. Misato watched in horror.  
  
"Shinji!" She grabbed him and hit his face hard, her slap leaving a red mark on his face.  
  
He took in a gasping breath. "Angel..." He fell lifeless in her arms, looking as if he was stuck in a content sleep.  
  
-- 


	4. Final Chapter

The white ceiling, a familiar sight. Rei reached out her hand, trying to touch it. Maybe it would give her some comfort, some comfort to touch it.  
  
A hand reached out, almost touching hers. She turned her head slowly, staring at the figure. He wouldn't dare touch her hand... he took in his breath as she stared at him. Rei let her hand fall on his, him holding it up gently. He blushed gently, and put her hand slowly down onto the mattress. She winced in pain and he fretted for a moment. "Are... you in pain?"  
  
She stared at him again. What was he asking? She almost didn't understand his motives. "Yes," she whispered lightly.  
  
"I could go get a nurse or a doctor or something..." Shinji stuttered. He didn't know what to do, what he could say to help her.  
  
"No."  
  
"Okay." Shinji sighed. Boy, was he a help.  
  
"You look as if you haven't slept." Rei said, her monotone voice sounded slightly gentle.  
  
"I haven't much lately." He said quietly, not looking at her. More looking at the floor.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Did she need to ask? Of course, Shinji, she did. You haven't said anything to her. Each time you just stutter, loose your courage. Do it now. It almost sounded like his father talking in the back of his head. "After my short stay I haven't left your side."  
  
She turned her head, not looking at him. Never left her side? She looked at the ceiling again. "Why... why did you cry that day, when you saw me?"  
  
The words filled his chest with ice. It hurt to breath. Why was she asking? Did she really need to know? He didn't want to tell her... he didn't want to. "Rei, everything's going to end."  
  
"I know."  
  
"What?" Shinji looked at her surprised. "You mean you know this is all going to happen?"  
  
"It's fate. Shinji, you can stop it, though."  
  
"How?" He was shaking. Stop it from happening again? Oh, please, oh, please, let it be possible. Anything but this loneliness. Anything! Anything at all. He could end this now and tell her how he felt... be with her forever rather than living in that emptiness...  
  
"Kill me."  
  
The view flashed in his head. Blood. Wings. Feathers. Was that what it meant? Stop this all but sacrifice her... the her that meant so much to him. No. This couldn't be resolved with her death. "You're crazy... that can't be right, Rei. You don't have to die to stop this."  
  
She stared blankly at him. "Shinji, just kill me. I don't matter."  
  
"But you do matter!" Rei jumped slightly and shut her eyes. She wasn't used to his harsh shouting. She wasn't used to anyone caring. "Rei, you do matter..."  
  
"No." She said quietly.  
  
"You do..."  
  
She sat up quickly, wincing from the pain and the blood rushing to her head. She grabbed at the side of the bed, steadying herself. "Stop it. I don't matter. I don't matter. Kill me, Shinji. Stop your suffering before it starts."  
  
"But Rei..." He looked at her, her hand gripping the bed, the pain she was in. He could... relieve it. He could kill her, give her what she wants. He could avoid the loneliness.  
  
"Shinji, end it."  
  
In his mind, it wasn't only her saying it. Asuka, Misato... and his father. They were all repeating it. Forcing him to make a choice. Forcing him like they always did. He placed his hands over his ears, cradling his head. "I can't!"  
  
"Shinji..."  
  
"I won't! Rei, I won't!" He shook his head violently, then looked up at her. "I can't kill you! No matter how much you'd want that, or how much it would relieve what I'll have to suffer, I won't. Rei, I just can't do that to you. I can't... because..." He stuttered, his courage leaving him. He took a deep breath, looking at her.  
  
Her expression didn't change. She always had that constant expression. She was asking him to kill her and she wouldn't even cry, wouldn't even frown... just blank. If he said it... if he said it would she change? He opened his mouth and breathed in. "Because I love you."  
  
She blinked. "Love?"  
  
"I could never hurt you. I'd kill myself first." He stuttered again, unsure of exactly what he was saying. "I'd live through being lonely just so..."  
  
"You won't kill me?"  
  
"Of course not!" Shinji didn't know why she was so pent up on him killing her. Why? Why would she ever think he would be able to do that? And she had pretty much just ignored him spouting his feelings... why? Why wouldn't she say anything? It was so frustrating!  
  
He stared at her, his eyes gleaming with something. Could that be the love he talked about, she thought. No, that's the look that Gendo always had. The inner frustration, the turmoil he couldn't get over. Why was Shinji looking at her like that? She reached out her hand, touching the side of his face gently. He looked slightly like Gendo to her... slightly. But he wasn't Gendo... he was so much gentler. He cared so much more...  
  
Goosebumps ran over Shinji's body. She was touching him... The warmth spread through his body. He didn't want her to stop. As he did with Misato's pajamas, he memorized the feeling of her hand against his skin... the emotion, the raw feelings of it all. He'd hold this in him... hold this in him for when it all became lonely again. He would let it all be lonely for her.  
  
Rei reached deep inside her thoughts. Shinji's words echoed in her head. "I love you..." Only his voice repeated that over and over, no one else's. She remembered... seeing Gendo... kiss that woman. Was that what love was? Gendo didn't seem capable of love... how could that be what love was? "Shinji?"  
  
"Yes?" Shinji had been waiting for her reply. He was still fairly drugged from the feeling of her hand against his face. He cherished it.  
  
"I don't..." Shinji's heart instantly broke. She didn't feel the same way. Would he just kill her now? Since she would make him suffer now, and later, he should just kill her now. He clenched his fist, but slowly relaxed it. I can't... I can't kill her. I love her. "...know what love is."  
  
He blinked. He was wrong. Why did his thoughts run away with him like that? And now how to explain to her... He had no idea. Did he even know himself? His father never said anything about it... his father never said anything. Get back to Rei! His thoughts were sporadic, but he needed to continue talking to her... he hoped, hoped that he would actually be able to do something this time.  
  
It was silent. Had she said something wrong? He had seemed disturbed for a moment, but now seemed confused. Why the sudden change? This was all too confusing. She began to pull her hand away.  
  
He felt her hand leave. No! He wanted it to stay... He grabbed her hand. Her eyes widened. He, himself was shocked and almost afraid of what he was doing. He swallowed. Come on, Shinji, don't back away, don't loose that courage, or whatever it is. He pulled her closer.  
  
Rei gasped quietly. Why, why did he grab her? Her skin tingled around her wrist, around the warmth of his hand. She felt him pulling her... pulling her in. She didn't mind. She went willfully. Shinji... wasn't a person to struggle against in her mind. He... loves her after all.  
  
Shinji pulled her closer. He reached out his other hand, taking a hold of her shoulder. He saw her flinch once again, in pain, so he held her more gently. She relaxed. He gently leaned in... pausing. Should he? She wants to know what love is... that echoed through his mind.  
  
"Rei..." He whispered gently. The sensation of just his voice sent a shiver through Rei's body. Their lips met... and it felt as if Shinji's heart had stopped. The bliss... of just being able to taste her for just a moment. This bliss would fill his mind for that eternity... that eternity he must spend alone. 


End file.
